Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance: I had a nightmare like this once

foam finger


I’m a huge Miley apologist (largely because her short hair makes her look super-gay), and because I hate a lot of the slut-shaming that comes her way…but I have to say that, along with everybody else, I felt intense secondhand embarrassment over her VMA performance.

She could dance okay in the unicorn onesie video! What happened? Or was I just distracted by the onesie?  I think the problem was that the unicorn onesie video was her just having fun, but then she started taking the whole thing way too seriously and became convinced she could, like, actually do it for real.

As a white girl with long arms and legs, I felt especially embarrassed for the way she flailed around her limbs. I may never dance again. Do my arms look like that when I dance? Probably. Eek. 

Seriously. See if you can watch her performance without putting your hands over your face and then squinting through your fingers because you just have to watch but you’re so uncomfortable for her.

Watching the video of her performance was like getting drunk at a party and convincing yourself you’ve finally learned how to “sexy dance,” only to have to watch video of said “sexy dance,” the next morning while hungover. 

She had to realize at some point it wasn’t working, right? She had to, because she seemed nervous and over-compensating. It must have been like that nightmare where you’re supposed to go onstage and perform but you don’t know your lines and you can’t move properly and OH GOD WHY AM I NAKED IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE I GUESS I’LL JUST FUCK THIS FOAM FINGER.

Okay, I’ve never had the “foam finger” part of the nightmare. BUT I PROBABLY WILL NOW. 



Sorry to confuse you, Britney. I know you had the BEST VMA performances and the BEST WORST VMA PERFORMANCE OF ALL TIME.